


I can’t Figure out Why

by UnholyDarkness



Series: Can you Keep me Close [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Castiel and Dean Winchester Need to Use Their Words, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, Miscommunication, but then it gets better, this one hurts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-12 20:26:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29016564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnholyDarkness/pseuds/UnholyDarkness
Summary: Castiel finally understands it. Why Dean says they are in a relationship even though he’s still sleeping with other people. It’s because Castiel is giving Dean something they could never. Love, comfort, and trust while the strangers are just there for tension release. He gets to be that for Dean and no one else. The thought is almost enough to cloud over the pain in his chest as Dean said, “ugh, I have to go back to the bar tomorrow. Been gone for too long.”
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Can you Keep me Close [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2128710
Comments: 9
Kudos: 128





	I can’t Figure out Why

**Author's Note:**

> I formally apologize if there is any tense mistakes, that is what I get for not writing this at once. I tried my best to go through it and fix any errors, but something always seems to slip through the cracks. Thanks for reading and let me know what you think!

Castiel’s heart was pounding. Him and Dean have been together together, like dating together, for almost six months now. In all honesty he had expected to already have been taken to bed but it hasn’t happened yet. Castiel realized that he would have to initiate the second he saw Dean come out of their shared bathroom in only a towel, steam rolling out behind him. 

“Dean-“ Castiel started and then stopped, breath catching in his throat. “You-“

“What?” Dean looked up from where he was drying his hair off, paused, looked down at himself, then blushed, “oh sorry.”

“I want-“ Castiel stopped again as Dean rushed to the dresser, pulling out some clothes, then practically sprinting back to the bathroom.

Castiel looked at the door with furrowed brows, wondering what the hell just happened.

————

Three months after, Castiel knew. Dean had gotten back from the bar, Castiel opting to stay in to read a new book. He was grunting as he walked down the stairs with a slight limp. 

“He really got you didn’t he?” Sam said as he stood. 

“Dean?” Castiel questioned and walked up, putting his arms around him to hold him up incase he fell. 

“Yeah, messed my ass up pretty good.” Dean said and huffed out a laugh. “Gonna help me patch up?”

Sam looked at how tightly Castiel was holding on to him, eyes searing into his face like it held the answers to the universe, “No. I’ll leave you to it.” He said and left. 

“What happened, Dean?” 

“Some dude at the bar. Rough son of a bitch. I think I’m just gonna shower and go to bed, didn’t do enough damage to make medical necessary.”

Still confused, Castiel followed Dean back to their room, understanding flooding him as Dean took off his shirt. 

There was a faint bruising of a hand on his hip, and now that Castiel looked closer, he could see some faint marks on Deans neck and chest. Hickeys? 

Castiel dropped heavily onto the bed, eyes blankly looking at the marks. 

“Uh you ok, man?” Dean asked, abandoning trying to unbutton his pants and walking closer. 

“No. I mean yes, I understand now.” Castiel said, “I was confused as to what was happening, but now I get it.”

Dean huffed out another laugh, reaching down to card his fingers through Castiel’s hair. 

Castiel was actually more confused. Didn’t they just break up? That’s what this was right? Dean didn’t like him anymore, maybe never did, so he found it in someone else. Right? 

Then, Dean leaned down and kissed Castiel lightly, “thank you. You know, for letting me be this vulnerable around you. Never thought I’d find someone I’d be able to do that with.” He said it like it was a secret, for Castiel’s ears only.

Castiel hardly hears him. Ears ringing. So it’s true. Dean had slept with another man from the bar tonight. Why would he when Castiel was right here? He could give Dean those thing too. Why didn’t Dean just ask?

“Are you in pain?” Castiel asked.

“Kind of, should be fine by tomorrow morning.”

“Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?” Castiel asked, slowly, unsure of himself. He’s never tried to seduce anyone before, but this was Dean, it should be as easy as breathing. 

Dean smiles down at him, “you being here is enough.”

Castiel reached up slowly, swallowing back the panic he could feel trying to crawl out of him, nervous and scared and excited. His hands land on Dean’s belt. “I can make you feel good.” He said, popping the button. 

Dean looked like he felt awkward, Castiel could tell by the look in his eyes. He reached up, rubbed the back of his neck with one hand and used the other to gently take off Castiel’s hands.

“You don’t have to do that. I’ll be fine. Like I said, you being around makes everything better.” Dean squeezed Castiel’s hands once before backing up, “better get in the shower.”

And then Dean was gone. 

—————

“Sam?” 

“Oh hey, Cas. What’s up?”

“I have a question.”

Sam paused his typing on the computer and looked up. “Sure, what’s up?”

“Is it normal for people romantically involved to not have sex?”

Sams face turned bright red, “uh, I mean, yeah in some cases. Why do you ask?”

“Because Dean doesn’t want to have sex with me.” Sams eyes nearly bulged out of his head, “I tried to initiate last night. To help him feel better and he said no.”

“Cas, you don’t have to do that just because you want him to feel better.” Suddenly, Sam looked sad, “Dean would never expect you to.” He paused, “and, well, if he did I’d kick his ass.”

Castiel sat in silence for a moment, “he told me he doesn’t mind being vulnerable around me. That me just being there last night helped him.”

Sams eyes softened, “that’s a good thing Cas, I promise. I know Dean isn’t very good with his words, but he does care about you, ok? You don’t have to have sex with him to make him love you or anything. If he had the... urge or whatever,” he looked sick, “then he can handle it himself.”

Castiel mulled that over. That made sense. Dean didn’t love that man last night he just wanted some relief... and he didn’t want that from Castiel. From him he wanted love and affection. Trust. Something he couldn’t get from anyone else. It doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt though. Castiel would have loved to give that to Dean. To see him in the throws of passion, skin slick, eyes hooded. But someone else got that. 

“Hey, you ok?” Sam asked, suddenly a lot closer then before. 

Castiel reached up and wiped a tear from his cheek, “yes, thank you. You cleared somethings up for me.”

“Anytime man.”

“Where is Dean?” Castiel asked.

“He went out for some supplies. Said he might stop by the bar on his way back, why?”

Castiel didn’t answer. Again? His heart clench painfully in his chest as he left the room. 

——————

That night Castiel laid awake in their bed alone, waiting for Dean’s return. His thoughts kept going back to what Sam said. 

He desperately wanted to be the one Dean got that from. The thought of Dean, on him, under him, inside him, made Castiel’s breath hitch and toes curl. 

Just as he realized he was hard, Dean stumbled through the door, looking tired.

“Dean wait-“ but it was too late, Dean had flopped down onto Castiel, freezing as Castiel did.

Dean leaned up, looked down and then right into Castiel’s eyes. 

“Dean, I... I’m sorry.” He couldn’t help the guilt that leaked into his voice. Here he was hard thinking about Dean when the man didn’t want anything like that from him. 

Dean smiled and adjusted so he was next to Castiel instead, “it’s ok. It happens.” He leaned forward and kissed him. “See? No harm done.”

“I-“ Castiels words get stuck in his throat, /I want you/ is on the tip on his tongue but he can’t make himself say it, “I want to kiss you.” He said instead.

Dean grinned then, leaning in and doing exactly that. But it’s different this time, for Castiel at least. He’s hard, he’s in love and he wants nothing more then to roll on top of Dean and show him how much he really loves him. 

And suddenly, he is, rolling over to straddle Dean, heart racing, cock throbbing. He pulled back and bent down to dip closer to Dean’s ear, “I want to make you feel good.”

He can feel Dean’s full body shudder at that and thinks for a moment that he might get what he wants, but then Dean is easing him off and back to the other side of the bed, “you make me feel good by being here. This is enough for me, I promise I don’t need anything more.”

Castiel felt like he was going to cry, “I know. I’m sorry.”

——————

Castiel can’t help it, now that he’s thought about it, it’s all he wants. Which is why he’s now in the shower, one arm braced against the wall the other on his cock. His eyes roll. It feels so good that he can’t think straight, chanting “Dean, yes, Dean.” Over and over under his breath. 

The angle is awkward and his wrist hurts. But it doesn’t matter, he’s never felt like this before. So damn good. 

It built under his skin, and he thinks he’s about to orgasm. Just as it feels like he’s reaching the peak there’s sudden sharp knock on the door.

“Cas?” That’s sam, and all thought of orgasming go down the drain with the water. 

He stopped to catch his breath, head resting against the wall. “Yes Sam?” He said after a while.

“Are you okay? The lights were flickering.”

“I’m fine just... thinking about some things.”

“Oh, do you need me to call Dean?”

“I’m alright. I would just like a moment please.”

Sam doesn’t reply but it doesn’t matter. Castiel legs are still shaking as he turned off the water and left the warmth of the shower. He’ll definitely have to try again sometime.

—————

He doesn’t try again and Dean keeps going to the bar. His heart hurts and more often then not he’s in bed, snuggled up to deans sent on the blankets. It feel like all he has these days. 

It comes to a head one day when Castiel is just waking up, he feel deans heart beat against his back, hard and wild. Dean’s dick is pressed against his ass, his hand on Castiel’s hip shaking. 

“Dean... please?” Castiel asked quietly as to not disturb the quiet of the morning. He rolled his hips back, delighting in the sound of Dean gasping into his hair, hand squeezing his hip. “Yes,” he hissed through his teeth, “please.”

Dean started slow, but pressed into him with measured, forceful thrusts. They end up with Castiel half on his stomach, one leg curled up towards his chest, dick against the sheets as Dean leaned over him, kissing and nipping at Castiel’s ear as he humped away. 

“Dean.” Castiel breathed out, hands gripping at the sheets, arching back everytime Dean came forward. 

Even though he isn’t touching himself he can still feel the pleasure rising, just like in the shower. Heart racing, sweat dripping down his forehead. Tears are leaking from his eyes and he has never felt so good in his entire life. He’s close, he’s so damn close.

The light above their bed suddenly explodes, sending tiny shards of glass all over them. Castiel gasped, orgasm ripped away as Dean shouted, caught off guard. 

“Jesus.” Dean sat next to him. “Did you do that?”

Castiel looked over to see Dean grinning, but his expression quickly turned sour.

“Fuck, are you crying?” Dean placed a palm against Castiels cheek, “I’m so sorry, Cas. I shouldn’t have done that. I won’t do that. Ever again, I promise.”

Castiel looked at Dean for a moment, then a sob ripped it’s way out of his throat and then he can’t stop himself. He curled up and cried, heart hatching, head hurting and dick absolutely throbbing. 

“Cas? Buddy, look-“

Castiel jerked back as Dean tried to touch him again and ran into the both room, slamming the door closed. 

“Cas, com’on man. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for that to happen. It won’t happen! I swear on everything that I won’t do that ag-“

“Shut up!” Castiel suddenly raged behind the door, “please, just go away.”

“Cas...”

“Dean, please. Leave me alone.”

The next few days were awkward, not for Cas and Dean because Dean spent every waking moment at the bar, but for Cas and Sam. No one told Sam exactly what happened but he had his theory’s. 

Sam knew something like this would happen. That’s why he told Dean in the first place that Angels don’t really like or want... /those/ things. He wished that his brother would just understand that. And now, poor Cas, wallowing around the bunker while Dean scoped out the Vamp next stationed at the bar. It just wasn’t fair to the angel. 

"Hey, Cas. You wanna watch a movie or something?" 

"Not right now, Sam. I am not feeling up for it." Cas twirled a spoon around in circles on the table, chin resting on his hand as he watched it move. 

"You sure? Dean’s probably going to be gone for a while. There no point waiting around for him to come back." Sam said and cringed as Cas frowned and stopped spinning the spoon.

"Please don’t remind me." Cas sighed and got up, "lead the way."

Sam took Castiel into the Dean cave and turned on the TV. “What do you feel like watching?”

“I don’t mind. Whatever you feel like.”

About half way into a documentary, Dean came bursting in to the bunker, startling the two. They headed out of the room and down the hall to find Dean laying on the stairs clutching his side. 

“Dean?” Sam ran up to his brother and helped him stand, bringing him over to the table. “What happened?”

“Some guy there. God...”

“Cas, go get the first aid kit.”

Castiel, who was standing, shell shocked, moved immediately to get the first aid kit. 

“Was it one of the vampires?” Sam asked as he lifted Dean’s shirt to show a long cut on his side. 

“Nah, some guy who thought I was hustling him in pool.” Dean grunted as Sam pressed around the wound, checking to see if it would need stitches. Castiel came back into the room with the kit and knelt by Dean’s side. “Besides it was all a bit of fun, haven’t had a tussle like that in a while.”

Castiel tried not to squeeze Dean’s hand off at that. Some random hook up did this? Why would Dean let some stranger treat him this way? 

Castiel was about to voice his concerns when Dean yelped, feeling Sam press peroxide soaked cotton into his wound.

“Son of a bitch.” Dean hissed, squeezing Castiel’s hand. 

“Doesn’t look like it will need stitches, but I suggest you take it easy his week, probably stay away from the bar for a while.”

“Yeah, no shit Sherlock.” Dean grunted as Sam put a large bandage over the cut. 

“Try to get some rest, man.” Sam said and left to wash his hands and put the kit away.

“Come on, Dean. Let’s get you into the shower.” Castiel hulled Dean up and helped him to their room. 

He helped Dean strip down, and then got naked himself and join Dean in the shower, too afraid that man would just die if left alone for too long. 

“You can’t keep doing this, Dean.” Castiel said under the loud roar of the shower. “I am starting to get concerned for your well being.” 

“I gotta do it, man. It’s all I’ve ever known.” 

Castiel wanted to cry. Instead he kissed Dean once, then slid down to his knees, hands on Dean’s hips.

“Then let me give it to you, please.” Castiel looked up at Dean and licked his lips, “You don’t have to do anything back, just let me do this for you.”

“Cas...” 

“Please, Dean”

Dean opened his mouth but couldn’t seem to speak. Castiel leaned forward and nuzzled the based of his cock, breath shuddering out at finally /finally/ getting what he wants. It’s ok that Dean doesn’t want to reciprocate. It is. It has to be. 

Castiel does the best he can, having never done this before and thinks he’s doing a good job when Dean leans against the wall, hips shaking. He can’t seem to get his hands to Castiels hair, so Castiel grabs them and places them on his head as he finally takes Dean into his mouth. He’s hard, god is he so hard. His hips shudder forward, but he tries to restrain himself as to not make Dean uncomfortable. 

It doesn’t take dean long to cum, which slightly startles Castiel, so he pulls back, letting it coat his face.

“Holy shit, Cas..” 

Unable to open his eyes, he stays on him knees, letting Dean used a wash rag to wipe his face clean. He pulls Castiel up then, giving him a long, slow kiss. 

“I love you, Cas.”

“And I, you, Dean”

________

A few weeks go by without Dean leaving, which makes Castiel’s heart sing in happiness. He still gets this, gets the love and affection and now, occasionally, he gets to give Dean blowjobs and handjobs and he’s never been happier. Maybe he should be more concerned that his own boyfriend doesn’t want to touch him back, but he can’t bring himself to care. 

Tonight, Castiel is laying at Deans side, stroking him carefully. Trying to draw it out and really give Dean the pleasure he deserved. It’s difficult for Cas because all he wanted to do was push his hips forward and get the friction he so desperately need. Just the thought of getting off with Dean sent a bolt of lust straight to his cock and suddenly it’s all he wants to do.

“Dean, please.” He pressed forward slowly, terrified he’s going to scare Dean off. 

But Dean didn’t get scared, instead he turned to face Castiel and pulled him close. 

“Are you sure?” Dean asked softly.

“Yes, please, yes.” 

Dean pushed forward, stealing the gasp Castiel let out with his lips. He kissed him with a softness Castiel felt he didn’t deserve. They push together, arms grasping at each other like they would never do this again and Castiel can’t think about it for too long because they might not. He doesn’t know if he would have the courage to ask for this again. As it were, Castiel held back enough to give Dean a satisfying ending and they cuddle together for a while, basking in the afterglow.

Then, Dean said, “ugh, I have to go back to the bar tomorrow. Been gone for too long.”

Castiel’s heart nearly stopped in his chest and he hid his tears by pushing his face into Dean’s neck. “Why?” He whispered, why am not good enough for you, he doesn’t say.

“It’s basically my job, man. I have to go back.”

“Isn’t this enough for you.”

“Cas...” Dean ran his fingers through Castiel’s hair, “Let’s not get into it, ok? I have to do this. I’ll probably be doing this for the rest of my life.”

“They don’t treat you right. You are always getting hurt.” I would never hurt you, he thought.

“It is what it is, Cas. I have to do this.” 

Castiel decided not to push it further and hid under the covers, hiding away like if he can’t see Dean then none of this actually exists.

________

Castiel stopped trying at that point. He left Dean alone, letting him go to the bar without the taste of him on Castiel’s lips. He is staring to realize that it isn’t enough anymore. Being able to be Dean’s trust and comfort just isn’t going to cut it. He can’t share the man he loves with strangers. That’s why this night he staid up late, waiting for Dean to come back.

“Glad to see you aren’t injured this time.”

“Jeez, Cas. You scared the piss out of me.” 

“We need to talk, Dean.”

“Well that’s not ominous. What’s on your mind?”

Castiel reached out and grabbed Dean and pulled him close. “ I love you and I need you to know that. But, Dean, I can’t do his anymore.”

“What do you mean, Cas?” Dean reached up and cupped Castiel’s face, thumb trying to wipe the endless tears away. 

“This,” Castiel whispered, the lump in his through making him second guess his choice, but he can’t. He has to do this, “Us. I can’t do it anymore.”

Dean pulled back suddenly, the chill leaving Castiel shaking.

“What? Because of the bar? You can’t make me choose, Cas!” Dean is stand not two feet away but to Castiel it might as well been half way across the world. “This is my life, this is that you signed up for.”

“I didn’t. Not for this. Not for sharing you with a life that kills me, Dean.” Castiel staid sitting, feeling as though his legs wouldn’t be able to hold him up if he tried to stand right now. Dean took another step back.

“Fuck you, Cas.” Dean is angry, he hands shake where they are clenched at his side. “Fuck you for being a coward.”

“I am a coward, Dean.” Castiel bowed his head, hands coming up to hold his arms in a mockery for the comfort he would get if they were Dean’s arms. “I am not asking you to stop, I am just asking that you stop coming to me when you are hurt from it. I can’t stand seeing you like that. Holding you after like I’m not falling apart, watching you hurt yourself for strangers. Please, Dean. Don’t make this harder then it has to be, please.”

Dean’s entire body is shaking now, lashes clinging to his tears like their lives depended on it. 

“I don’t wanna lose you. Not to this. Not to my life.” Dean swallowed hard, “but I won’t stop. It’s in my blood, Cas. It’s who I am.”

“I know. I hate it, but I know.” 

“So that’s it. We’re just over?” Dean whispered this, eyes begging Castiel to look up, but the angel doesn’t.

“I already moved my things to another room. Try to get some rest, tonight was probably rough for you.” Castiel finally stood up, gripping the back of the chair. He took a deep breath, then left, pretending he could hear Dean crying.

_________

Weeks pass with Castiel not coming out of his room. Even though it’s over, he still can’t bring himself to see Dean roughed up by some random guy. It would shatter him. Instead he spent endless nights clinging to Dean’s pillow, dreading the day Dean would finally notice it was gone and ask for it back. Castiel never thought he could feel this low, like life wasn’t worth living anymore. He knew he would never get over Dean, who could? Dean was sunlight, a gentle breeze brushing past some wild flowers with the strength to tear them apart if he put his mind to it. He was a soft bumble bee, floating by Castiel, caressing his skin and making it burn. 

Castiel shuttered out a breath and closed the book he had been trying to read. He knew he would never get over Dean if all he ever did was sit in his room and think about the man. But. Going outside, seeing the light without being able to witness it laying on Dean’s beautiful face made him want to stay in the dark forever. Maybe he couldn’t go on like this. Maybe it wasn’t really worth fighting for anymore.

He eventually, days later, got himself to get out of bed. Dean kept going to the bar and Castiel kept wishing he wouldn’t. Seeing Dean was weird and made him feel like any second could be his last. He avoided both Winchesters to the best of his ability and tried not to feel so hurt that Dean was doing the same. It was almost worse, watching Dean come home, hurt, and forcing himself to walk away and let Sam deal with it. All he wanted to do was crawl back into Dean’s arms and tell him that he didn’t care anymore, that as long as he had Dean to hold him at night he wouldn’t try to talk Dean out of it anymore. He knew he couldn’t, though. It was better for both of them if Castiel took himself out of the equation and let Dean keep on, keeping on. 

Castiel felt lost though, ghost-like without Dean’s witty comments and soothing arms. It was a strange thing, knowing that he could have Dean back whenever he finally got over himself yet knowing he never would. There was so much he would give up if it meant he could go back to who he used to be. Back when things like this didn’t faze him. When human emotion didn’t make him feel like he was dying. When he had no idea who Dean Winchester was and life was just once solid order after another. 

Maybe he should leave. His presence here was just upsetting them both and it would do Dean no good when they finally got another hunt. It would throw him off his game and wouldn’t that be the final nail in Castiel’s coffin? Dean getting hurt because Castiel couldn’t prioritize the things he loves. That would truly break him.

He didn’t want to leave. Even though everything was awkward and painful, this was home. It was endless love and the strength he couldn’t make by himself. Sam and Dean were the family he’s never had. Lifting him up when he was so low he could feel the painful whips of Hell brushing against his skin. But this, the pain in his chest, the heart that didn’t beat feeling like it was being run over. It was worse then anything Hell could do to him. It was worse then anything Heaven had put him through. 

Maybe he should leave.

A soft knock at the door roused him from his grief.

“Yes?” He asked, sitting up and trying to look presentable.

The door opened slowly and Dean stood in the doorway. “Hey”

“Hello.”

“Can I come in? I want to talk.”

“I don’t know.”

“Cas, please. I think you’ll wanna hear what I have to say.”

“Alright.”

Dean finally came in, shutting the door like he was hammering the final nail in both of their coffins. He stopped at the end of the bed, worlds away.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know that what I was doing was affecting you so much. You never seemed to mind in the past so I thought... Well, it doesn’t matter now. Just, I am sorry.” Dean said, sounding like he was forcing the words out.

“It’s alright, Dean. It was unfair of me to ask you to stop doing something you’ve been doing all your life.” Castiel looked up, then, Gazing as Dean’s face. 

“Well, I wanted you to know that tonight is the last one.” Dean looked pained, like he didn’t want to say what he was about to. “After this, I’m done. Nothing, and I mean nothing, is worth losing you.” 

“Dean,” Castiel said, breathless, “don’t do that just for me.”

Dean laughed, sitting heavily on the bed, “It’s not for you. Trust me. I’m being selfish here. I can’t... I can’t keep on like this, man. Losing you, it’s one of the worst things I’ve ever been through. It’s killing me.”

“You would really stop so we could be together?”

“Yes.”

“What about... Dean I know there are certain things you don’t want from me. Things that I want from you. How can we work if we can’t give each other what we need?” Castiel wanted to cling onto the hope but he knew it was pointless if he became weak again. 

“I don’t think I know what you are getting at.” Dean said plainly, tilting his head in confusion.

“I mean...” Castiel blushed, “I mean sex, Dean. I want you so badly it hurts and I don’t know if I could ever stop wanting that.”

“What? You think I don’t want to have sex with you?” Dean seemed even more confused, turning himself to sit closer to Castiel, “I do want that, I thought you didn’t want that.”

“How could you not know?” Castiel said, baffled, “Ive begged you for it more then once.”

“Yeah but,” Dean shook his head, “I thought you were only doing that to make me feel better.”

“I was. After seeing the way those people treated you, I wanted you to know that I could do that for you without hurting you.”

“Whoa, wait. Hold on a frigging second,” Dean said, “What do you mean by the way people treated me?”

“The bar?” Castiel furrowed his brows, “those men. They hurt you when you had sex with them.”

Dean looked like his soul had just left his body, face pale, eye wide. “No,” he breathed out, “no, no, Cas! I wasn’t sleeping with people. I was at the bar because the owners were vampires! It was a nest and we didn’t know who all was in it. I had to stake it out for months just to find them all.”

“What, I-“ Castiel couldn’t breath, “I thought you were going there to sleep with other people.”

Dean closed his eyes, “you thought I was cheating on you? That’s why you broke up with me?” He looked hurt.

Castiel didn’t know what to say. Isn’t that what Dean had been doing?

“Yes.” Castiel whispered.

“No, Jesus, Cas. How could you think I would cheat on you?”

“You were at the bar all the time. You wouldn’t have sex with me and that first night you came home you had hickeys and bruises on your hips.” Castiel desperately wanted to reach out and touch Dean but didn’t know if he was allowed to anymore. How could he have though those terrible things about Dean? What kind of monster was he for making Dean feel like this?

“Hey, no, don’t cry.” Dean’s voice was soft as he cradled Castiel’s cheeks in his hands. “I’m an idiot. I thought you were upset that I was getting hurt from hunting. That’s what I was coming in here to do. Tell you that I’m done with it.”

“I would never ask you to stop hunting.” Castiel said, then, “but, then why would you have sex with me?”

Dean laughed, looking close to tears, “Sam told me that angel’s didn’t have sex. That it made them uncomfortable. I should have just asked, Jesus.”

“I am so sorry, Dean. I thought all sorts of horrible things.”

“If you’re sorry then I am too.” Dean moved closer, drawing Castiel into his arms, “were both idiots with terrible communication skills.”

“Yeah,” Castiel agreed.

Their faces were close, lips nearly touching. “I tried to jerk off to the thought of you in the shower once.” Castiel said, ever blunt, “and that time on the bed, I wasn’t crying because I was scared or uncomfortable. I was crying because it felt too good, like I was coming apart and being put back together all at once.”

Dean sucked in a breath, “so the light?”

“Exploded because I was close, Dean. I was so close.”

Dean surged forward, pushing Castiel back on the pillows and kissed him. That night, every light in the bunker exploded. 

Sam could deal with the rest of the Vamps.

**Author's Note:**

> If ya’ll want an actual sex scene let me know. Just didn’t feel like it would fit.


End file.
